I am back with my first blog post of the year (It’s March, eek, my bad). I made a promise to myself when I started my business that my business would be more than just hiring a pretty dress. I want to use my business to promote positivity and happiness and the best way for me to do that is with my words. Although my blog today may seem like a negative and serious blog it’s actually a journey of finding peace and serenity in a gut-wrenching situation. I am writing about my first hand experience with grief and how it has shaped my life. It wasn’t an easy write but I do hope that it can be helpful to at least one person. If it is, then I have achieved what I set out. Here I go…
Grief is a tricky topic to broach. It is so personal to each individual. I think about my journey with grief quite frequently and I always want to write about it but given how personal it is I’ve always stopped myself. I love writing and it’s definitely something I want to do more but sometimes you have to be open and ready to blog about things that are deeply personal to you. Four years on, I think I’m ready to share my experience with grief in the hopes that what I’ve learnt and how I’ve learned to cope will help others.
Four years ago today I had the worst day of my life so far. I received the devastating news that at just 27 years of age my oldest sister had passed away. You know those moments in your life where you can remember everything so precisely because it’s etched in your mind so clearly that it will never go away? This is that moment for me. I was lying in bed recovering from a festival the day before and planning my post festival feed (pizza of course) when I heard my mum on the phone. I could tell something had happened but my first instinct that it was my elderly grandmother; never for a moment did I think it was my sister. I still remember the feeling of utter disbelief the moment I found out. It didn’t seem real, it couldn’t be real, the blow of realising it was real was agonising.
The first 24 hours was the worst. Having to let everyone know from family to close friends to acquaintances. It was really heavy and very difficult. I received hundreds of messages of condolences, some off people I barely even know. I remember reading these messages but not really registering what anyone was saying it was all just a big blur as the hours rolled into one another. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. I was at a loss with what to do with myself. It was the worst pain I had ever endured in my life. I kept on wanting to rewind back to days prior to try to stop it from happening. I didn’t want to believe that this was my new reality. Unfortunately for me, it was. These were the cards I had been dealt and my only option was to learn to live with it the best way I could. I’d be lying if I said I had this realisation overnight or that I had the strength to push forward positively from day one. Of course not, I have and I am still grieving every day. I cry, a lot! I’ll be driving and will just get a rush of emotions that bring me to tears for no particular reason. I think about the future we planned that will never happen. The family holidays we envisioned and all the things we imagined for our lives. Sometimes life throws us obstacles we’d rather avoid. At this point we have two choices. We can let it define us or we can overcome it. I made a choice to overcome it as I believed the best way to honour my sisters legacy was to spend the rest of my life living my best and being my best as to do anything else would be a disservice to her.
So, how was I going to live my best life when I was going through the biggest low point of it thus far? When you go through a life-changing ordeal you meet a crossroad. One road leads to a darker path where you are consumed with grief, what if’s and negativity. This path is ok to visit at times when you are feeling down or just need that time to yourself. The other path is one where you overcome it and learn from it and make a promise to yourself to be happy and live life to the absolute max. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted from life and the mark I wanted to leave and I started from there. I knew I wanted to start my own business so I spent the whole of 2015 and 2016 laying the foundations of what Designer Hire is today. I knew I wanted to kick goals with my partner and we have now purchased our first property and are planning our wedding for December. More importantly than business and materialistic things, I wanted to be my best self, as I believe that was the best way to honour my sister. I wanted to be happy. I believe the key to achieving happiness is through the power of positive affirmations so I started to really focus on these. Affirmations are what you tell the world you want in order to create it in the universe and bring that abundance into your life. I have so many affirmations that I say out loud daily with pride and confidence. I truly believe that affirmations have created a flow of good in my life. I don’t have it completely down pat but I am confident that as I person I am growing and working on myself to ensure that I am a good friend, partner, sister, daughter, boss etc. I have seen so much change in my life since I started using affirmations and I can now confidently say that I am leading a good life. My darkest moment has allowed me to broaden my outlook on life and what’s important. It’s taught me to be kinder and happier. Most importantly, it has taught me to cherish my life and everything I have.
Life is unpredictable. It throws things at you that are completely unexpected. My journey through grief has been long and hard. It’s filled with emotional waves and everyday is different. When we lose someone we love we never get over it but we do get used to it. We adjust to what is our new life, our life post them. I know that my grief journey won’t ever really end but it has become more manageable and you will get to a point where you can manage yours too. Whatever it is that you have lost or that you have found difficult to get through, just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The message I want to convey is that this life doesn’t necessarily have to be bad or worse than before, just different. Remember that you will always have those memories with that person and that they will always be with you so make them proud with whatever you set out to do in life. My sister was the most beautiful, kind and generous person that I had the privilege of calling my own. I will never get over her or forget her so I will cherish and honour her in my own special way. I can now honestly say that I am leading a good life that I have no doubt she is guiding me through so trust in your angels and it will get better and fall into place.
To those who need it, I send the utmost love, positivity and strength on your journey. I hope you have enjoyed reading my story and I welcome any questions or comments. With love, Brooke. X